Journal 2: Accepting & Healing From Traumas

Tonight I realized something major.

Something that I’ve always known, but never said out loud because I was scared of the domino effect.

If I verbalize these thoughts, will my relationship with my loved ones change? Is the thought that made me hide my pain for much longer than I should have.

Even as I’m typing this, I’m questioning if it’s okay to share.

And honestly, I’m still scared to post this online but I’m doing so in hopes that it encourages others to stop silencing their pains in fear of being judged by those who love them.

So, what’s the big news? What am I ready to share?

While giving my baby a bath, I was telling my husband about some of the conversations that I’ve been having with my mother lately.

But before I dive into this I want to make this very clear: I love my mother. She is an amazing woman & I hope that if she reads this, she will still want to have a relationship with me afterwards.

I’m trying to get to a point in my life, where I don’t feel guilty for sharing any part of my story online. I think speaking candidly about your journey is important because it helps others realize that what they’re experiencing happens to people other than themselves.

The Video That Sparked My Breakthrough

I’m not going to go into the details because I value my mother’s privacy. So I’m going to summarize some things. Shortly after posting this video publicizing a few of my parenting preferences & the fact that I’ve been molested several times, my mother sent me a message that made me question if I was allowed to voice my opinion.

Long story short, after talking to my husband, I’ve realized that I’ve been living my life in fear of my mother’s judgment. I hide parts of my story because I’m scared that she won’t like what I have to say and because I don’t want to deal with the backlash.

Again, my mother is great. She’s a God fearing woman, who raised me in a house full of love-but she never been great at encouraging me to speak my truth.

Though she’s told me many times to speak candidly with her, I usually choose not to because if she strongly disagrees with my opinion, she’ll let me know in a way that makes me feel like I’m a teenager in her house again. It’s my way or the high way, type of mentality.

I have this mentality with certain things as a parent too, but I truly hope that I never make my sons feel like they have to hide things from me in fear of my reaction.

Lesson For The Day

No one has to understand my traumas for them to be traumatic. No one has to remember what happened for me to believe that it occurred.

I’m the only person who needs to validate my thoughts and feelings.

Closing

If you’re dealing with a similar problem, I hope that you start your healing journey soon. The road is rough and often times it’s lonely AF, but I promise you’ll feel so much better after you accept your truth.

Thank you for being here. I genuinely appreciate your presence.

xoxox

Katlan

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